Pure white and perfect

The day he slapped me.
I didn't feel it, physically I felt no pain.
It was just so fast and so sudden that I didn't feel it.
I stood there in shock, adrenalin pumping, sweat dripping,heart racing, I just stood there shaking.
No tears, nothing. Long after he walked out the door I just stood in complete silence.
Stupid to the world and what just happened I remember saying out loud "I Poppy Pops Vilakazi did not just get slapped.
Someone wake me up from this dream because this did not just happen"

For the rest of the week what played out in my head was that it didn't happen.
There is no way in hell that I'm being abused.
I am not Tina Turner or Tracey Going!
He slapped me once that doesn't mean he's an abuser.
I'm not a victim, it was just once. What am I suppost to do, take him to jail for a slap?
Join a womans support group for a slap?

After that day, I didn't know how to act around him anymore.
I either ignored him or fussed over him. Over laughed or pretended like he wasn't there.
I could not look at him with the same eyes that said "yes I'll marry you" and meant it. I refused to lie and say "I love you too".
I could not see the father of my future kids in him any longer.
I couldn't imagine what it was about him that I found attractive in the first place.
All I saw was a little boy who thought he was a man but somehow got it twisted simply because he started to develop a deep voice, and a muscle or two.
He mistook puberty with being a man. Pathetic really...

I started to say things to him just to see and confirm that he was indeed the monster I saw him turn into the other day.
I wanted him to do it again so that I am sure that it was real and that I can walk out that door and tell my parents what happened and never look back.
So in front of his friend I told him that he is stupid. I meant it and he knew it.
I waited for it. It didn't come...
Instead he brushed it off as though what I had just said was in my head and in my thoughts only.
I was at ease, it was confirmation that the other day never happened.
He is a praying brother,a priest to be, he knows the bible better than I do. He's a brother in Christ. He walks with God I mean look at him.
It's okay it was a false alarm and we are fine.

You know, there's something so strange that happens to one when they are at the lowest point in their lives.
Its as though it is only when you are down and out that you then notice and appreciate the small things in life.
Like the trees outside, or the colour and splendour of the red African sky. The dew on the spectacular grass or the sweet sound of birds humming in the morning.
Why must you first see hell to appreciate heaven?
Can't heaven be heaven without being compared first?
Why must the exeprience of hell on earth first humble us?

Barely open I peek between my eyes.
The tiny slits in my eyes let me see my teeth lie a few steps next to me on the beautiful white carpet I bought with my first pay check from what I consider my first real job.
I bought it for exactly R1200 original price being R1600 this rug marked my first successful negotiation at the plaza.
Pure white, threads so perfect so solid and firm. So tightly woven together and perfect.
Whoever made this rug did it with love. I love it. How will I ever get this blood and hair off this gorgeous rug.
It has to come off, what will my future in laws say when they see such filth on a master piece.
I need to get up from here and start scrubbing.