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08 February 2012

The princess and the slave

They day we were told we were free, we were glad. We were so happy, we cried tears of joy. Sounds of ululation sounded throughout the penitentiary. We were so proud of ourselves, understandably so. The things we had seen and gone through while incarcerated cut us deep and left scars on the souls of many. Freedom meant we could finally do what we wanted without limits bondage and holding back.

But once we were out and saw sunlight and trees in the real world ...we weren't sure what to do with ourselves anymore. The smell of sand and the sound of birds frightened and displaced us. We were so used to the feeling of chains and shackles that when our legs were freed we didn't know how to walk.

We used to sing songs of struggles and fighting when we were locked up together, but as soon as the prison gates were flung opened...nothing but silence reigned. We had no voices, no clever and catchy lyrics to hum. Just silence.

Our minds were so used to sin the day we were told its no longer sin because we are in Christ we became idiots. Yes, we stood on opposite ends of the bed. Far across the room naked, ashamed and unsure and unable to look at each other. We hid our flesh from each other instead of becoming one. We didn't know what to do with each other so we just stood there like farm chickens at a busy intersection in Jozi.

We just stood there like two deers caught in the headlights of a brand new Escalade. In fact I think animals would have reacted with more wit than we did.

Sex is beautiful, in fact while we were in mental prison it was a delicacy many would have risked their lives to get. It was more popular than the word. Sad but true. Kids as young as 14 would sneak behind toilets to get some. While grandparents with arthritis, paralysis and what have you would have secret affairs at an old aged home just for that forbidden fruit. Men with gorgeous wives would be found in dingy brothels paying for it just for the sake of "variety".

We were so used to living in sin that when we eventually did decide to have our eyes opened we went together hand in hand to the eye doctor who not only gave us eyes of understanding , but also gave us a map and compass that would lead us towards taking the correct steps, the right channels, the right road, footpath and staircase to our new home. When we got to the top of the castle, in our room, in our bed...we didn't know how to do it.

You may laugh and say it's logic and that you can't teach water which way it should go. No, when your mind is so used to poverty and crime. It can't see or even imagine what riches and happiness are all about. Peace cannot be found in the mind of a criminal. A church mouse has no understanding of blue cheese or mozzarella. It's used to dust, mud and mould. Only.

Even though we thought to ourselves that as soon as we tied the knot and it was sealed with a stamp of approval from the eye doctor we'd go mad and do it wherever, whenever however. Roof, floor, outside,chandeliers you name it. It didn't happen that way. LOL. I've seen more fireworks at a morgue than in our bedroom that first night. We just weren't sure how to love each other in a physical way because we were never loved like that either. Not that "unconditional stuff" we were used to temporary, occasional, partime love and affection. That's it. I had to move from being a slave to being a princess. It meant allowing myself to be loved completely and not being used like I was used to. It meant letting go of the rags and wearing a silk dress.

Not that I didn't think I deserved such, but I guess I didn't think they'd be anyone willing to have his eyes opened together with me. So I chose to rather stay blind in the dark whilst holding someone else's hand with a high chance that we'd both hit a wall than to risk seeing the light all alone. I guess being alone was my fear

Since that first day, we eventually learned the art of love. The instructions to that came in the map book the eye doctor gave us.

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