That awkward shy girl

She was one of those girls that guys liked but never really approached because she scared them away. She did it on purpose. She wasn't macho, butch or anything like that, but she was very, very cautious about who she let into her circle. She tried to hide her beauty with hairstyles that would cover her vulnerability and feminism. A fringe that would hide the fear in her eyes, heavy mascara and eye liner that kept her looking strong as if she wasn't hurting. She sometimes hated the fact that she was a woman. Simply because it was easier to be a victim if you were a woman. She hated that word. Victim. So she hated being a woman. She deliberately appeared to be closed off to the world, so they wouldn't notice her. She wanted the world to know she existed sure, but didn't want the attention that came with it. She lived in fear. A lot of it. She was cold and mean to guys. She didn't like men.So she built a barrier so they stayed far away from her heart. Hate was a close enough word. If you were anything remotely like the man she feared... She hated you. His smell, his clothes, the liquor. All of it. Her fear mixed with hatered got in the way of enjoying her youth. She said "No, I'm not interested" more than she said "Hello, my name is..." She hid behind her books, politics and church to avoid dealing with it all. She spent hours and hours acting busy trying to avoid the issues she knew burned and fizzled out her joy. She dedicated her life towards avoiding the one issue that pressed at her very being. She feared men. Deeply so. She feared what potential they had to hurt her. She feared what potential they might have to kill the happiness she used to call hers. She feared in the dark of the night when no one was there to help her, what he might do. She feared that in broad daylight what might happen to her if he was drunk and they were alone. But she didn't know that at every rising of the sun ...there was a war in heaven for her. With every day that she woke up, heaven and hell would come face to face with each other because of her. A spiritual show down daily just because Christ loves her. Body slams, punches, fire and fists would be exchanges JUST because God loves her. She had no idea just how amazing each breathe that she took was to the Kingdom of God. Morena dedicated everyday to keeping her safe. During his journey to the cross of Calvary...he had thoughts about her. When the nails got into his flesh...her name was the only thing that made him stay. His love for her was what kept him hanging on the cross. Her brown eyes and white smile light up God's lounge because she is just so amazing. The power that she has is so great that the enemy tried everything in his power to break her. He thought that sending a man to instill fear was enough to kill her love for Christ. He failed. He thought that by doing this he was making her quiet and hidden in the background and this would slowly dim her spirit and make her mad at God. It didn't. He tried using those closest to her, to shatter her confidence in the word. It failed. Dismally. Instead it taught her how to develop wings and fly. High. She broke the chains of shame and soared because heaven stood by her. She rose up and said "I am a victor" and would not be silenced. Heaven bows when she prays. Angels salute when she prays. God smiles when she prays. I cry when she prays. That awkward shy girl that I love.