Questions of the self being

There are times in life when I have understood what it means to have nothing I have known what it is like to be the widow of Zerapath To look in my bag and have...nothing but questions of "Where to from here Lord?" There are times in my life where I have been left in a dark ditch with no one and nothing but me I have known what it was like to be Joseph Alone and in despair, I know it well...where all you can say is "Come what may but with every fibre of my being I know you exist Lord" There are times when I have had to do absolutely nothing but believe. I have had to take of my fear garment and walk around with my shield of faith because there was no other option I know what it's like to be Moses There are times when I have been dead, no dreams to keep me going, no wishes to sustain me Like Lazarus...dead. There have been days when... I have stood alone at a crossroad and wondered If God would be mad at me if I stood in front of a moving truck I wanted to see him and his home because being on earth did nothing for me. I wanted more. And what I wanted wasn't here. This wasn't the place for me. There have been days when... I've sat on my bed in the early mornings with the hot sun kissing my face and the cold floor freezing my feet. I have sat and questioned myself as to where exactly I am going this morning and why. I have wondered as to what my purpose is, how close I am towards it, and why I am not moving faster? Because surely there is more to life than my job. More to life than my house. More to life than school. Day in day out, nothing profound takes place. No parting of red seas. No 2 fish and 5 loaves miracles. No bread falling from the sky or dead people rising up. No. The same thing everyday. The sun rises and sets in the exact same place. No change no nothing. Ya, these thoughts did cross my mind. No they actually ran in and stayed in my mind. They built shelters in my brain living and doing as they please there. My spirit on the other hand said, the fact that I am alive means there is a plan. Cars that can no longer function eventually stop and die. But I'm here, God is there, Christ in me...my to do list is nowhere near completion. My destination is nice and far, I have time to fall in love with the messiah anew. Daily. That's worth looking forward to.