The farm boy who married me

...God said to me that if healing was what I wanted to do then letting go was something that I needed to begin doing. He told me that this young man would not hurt me because with all his heart he just wants to love me as I am. He didn’t care about my imperfections, my issues and my past...he just wanted to love the woman he was looking at. In exchange for loving me he wanted me to see him for the father he wanted to be for my future children, he wanted me to love him in his entirety. He wanted me to see him as a man who knows how to take care of a woman before I see him as a boy from the farms. He said I should please see him as my helper, the one who wants to pray for me every day, he wants me to see his inside before I focus on his greasy hair, gold teeth and lack of style. God said that if I was still living in yesterday then the relationship would never be about love, it would be about history. I heard what the Lord said but I wrestled with the idea of making him my man. It was not because I thought he didn’t love me. But I feared more that I could not love him back the way that he wanted me to. I clutched onto the image of my ex boyfriend and painted every man with the same paint, same colour and the exact same picture. CHEATER, LIAR and a THIEF! God told me to let all of that go of that ideology and give him a chance to love me, he said I should give myself a chance to love him back. Withholding nothing. He said all these things and all my mind could reply was “But what if...” Unsure of what the balance of where I stood with him was I decided to love him deliberately, I let go of yesterday and tried not to look back. I tried. Really I did. So I forgot my pain and let him into my house, heart and life. When he entered, he came into the house with his confidence packed in his suitcase and wore a proud hat that made him look like a son of a god. He took off his shoes and walked around as if he was no stranger to my house. He looked into my eyes and asked for a glass of water. I thought he was bonkers, arrogant and such a fool. He totally ignored my insecurities about his presence and made himself comfortable by going through my bookshelf and invading my personal space. He knew that I loved him but he also knew that I feared love itself. Before I could open my mouth to ask him to leave, he went down on his knees ashy knees and asked me to please be his wife.